The Work Hazards of Being a Sex Toy Reviewer: Prostate Play Edition

Prostate orgasms are fucking amazing, and that’s kind of a problem. You see, I used to be content with the orgasm that a regular wank would produce for me, but after experiencing my first shaking Aneros "super orgasm" (NSFW!) a few months ago, I found myself chasing the dragon of the super orgasm a little too often. Can you blame me?

This, coupled with my job as a sex toy reviewer, meant that I was popping prostate toys into my bottom 2-3 times per week, which didn’t turn out to be a good idea. Now, I’m sure if you have a fair amount of self-restraint, you’d be able to have 2-3 short prostate massage sessions per week without any trouble. However, I’m not what you might call a “restrained” person, so my sessions could easily last 2-4 hours.

A couple of times now I’ve used these P-spot toys when I knew I probably shouldn’t have, but I naively thought “ahh, I’m sure it’ll be fine” and plowed ahead. I knew that it was wrong, but I was horny and excited about the experience, so I went against common sense and did it anyway. I thought “this is too much, I should stop now” yet I carried on.

The result of my G-spot recklessness? Twice now I’ve swollen up my prostate gland (or the surrounding tissue) which in turn squeezes on my bladder, making it hard to piss and ejaculate. It also severely narrows my anal tract, so I’ve had to take laxatives and endure some very painful bowel movements. You don’t think about the delicacy of your bodily functions until they start fucking up big style.

The inability to go to the toilet was maddening. Instead of going to my coworking space in the city, I stayed at home all week because I needed to be near a toilet at all times. I bought a hot sauce made with Carolina Reaper chillis and poured it into a big bowl of baked beans – I was trying to force my bowels into operation whether they liked it or not. I became so constipated that it was painful to sit down, walk, or do basically anything.


The fine line between pleasure and pain

Part of the problem here is that prostate toys, for me at least, walk a fine line between pleasure and pain. Depending on the size and shape of the toy, you might find that it’s pressing directly on your prostate gland and giving you immense pleasure, or you might find that it feels “kind of good” but it’s not 100% there. This “it feels kind of good” sensation is where the danger lies for me.

You see, I was receiving a decent amount of pleasure from these prostate massage sessions, but I suspect that the toys were pressing on sensitive parts of my anatomy that they shouldn’t have. You’ll often find posts on the Aneros subreddit saying that it “feels like you need to pee” sometimes when playing with your P-spot, but I was getting that feeling a little too often, almost like I was irritating my bladder with the toys.

My advice to my future self (and anyone reading this) is to STOP prostate massage if it feels painful like this in any way. Once you get over the initial discomfort of stretching your ass and putting something inside it, the experience should NOT be painful. I was experiencing pleasure coupled with a small amount of pain which I chose to ignore, and that was a huge mistake.

It’s very much possible that if I was using the toys in a slightly better position where I didn’t feel any minor pain at all, perhaps I wouldn’t be in this situation right now. Perhaps I’d just have a super-stimulated prostate gland which was making me horny all the time (that’s a whole different side effect, albeit a less annoying one) without affecting my ability to go to the toilet and do things in my everyday life. Again, I’m not a doctor.

My future with prostate play

Don’t get me wrong – this is not going to stop me from chasing those wonderful prostate orgasms every now and then. I think that it’s something I just need to frame differently in my life. Instead of making it something to look forward to 2-3 times per week, I should be more spontaneous – leaving it as something that I do occasionally when I just happen to be super horny. Instead of a plain old wank, I’ll stick a toy up my ass.

This way, I’m more likely to get myself into a position and a headspace where the session gets going much more quickly and doesn’t drag on for hours. It’s hard to describe to men who aren’t familiar with the experience, but prostate orgasms – especially with non-motorized toys like the Aneros range – require an almost meditative state of arousal.

This blog is not designed to put anyone off the idea of prostate play – I encourage all men to learn how to milk the prostate and experience this unbeatable pleasure. I’m just warning you (and my future self reading this back!) to not overdo it, to stop if experiencing even minor pain, and to not let it become an addiction. I know it sounds extreme, but experiencing the maximum sexual pleasure that your body can create is VERY FUCKING ADDICTIVE. Duh.

Have fun, stay vigilant, and always use common sense when sticking things up your bum!